I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
