my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
