both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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