Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
sex in a hospital.. check
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
