I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Alive.
So much puke
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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