How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
