I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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