My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
