Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
