Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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