it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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