He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
