don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
smell my finger.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize