Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
