I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
