So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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