Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
