it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
