Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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