I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
