I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
