You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We left the knife in your bed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize