He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
