Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
there is puke in my bra ... again
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