you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
