um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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