Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
