I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize