I think I died a long time ago.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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