he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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