I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize