My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Less talking, more tequila
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
All the doctor said was why
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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