yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
