wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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