Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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