I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
