Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
