Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
