Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
