I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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