is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Let's get the cat blown out
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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