My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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