Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
