You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
