I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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