The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
