I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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