I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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