It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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