WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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