yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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