True but thats because hes a fetus.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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