Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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