i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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