I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we're chasing vodka with high fives
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
