Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
