Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
