Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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