i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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