Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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