left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
