Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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