fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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