Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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