Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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