my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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