So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
