I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize