I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
