I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
