i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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