im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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