i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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