she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
